A dream of a mother

   I have to fight my mood swings! Yesterday I was crying of happiness for a half of the night with my baby peacefully snoozing on my chest, and today I just feel melancholic, yet so thankful for everything I have. I don't know if these are still my hormones messing me up... Probably they are since I just remembered this funny/sad episode from yesterday. I finally finished watching Forrest Gump. I said finally, cause it took me 3 attempts to accomplish it. Not because the movie was bad or boring, I just didn't have the luxury of having straight 2,5 hours to relax and watch it all from the beginning to the end. Thus I had to space it out in time using Sawyer's naps. I can't watch that kind of a movie when I get distracted or interrupted all the time, I will not enjoy it then, I will not learn the lesson. And I believe it really aught me something new - when you don't chase material wealth and do as your heart tells you, you will get it all eventually without focusing on wrong stuff; no one in the world will ever love you and support you more than your mom does, to her you are the smartest,the most talented, special; there will always be people making fun of you and telling you you are destined to fail, but you can either waste your time and energy proving them something, or just ignore them and follow your own path, take advantage of your own life - and it will always bring you to success if you keep moving forward and stay persistent. These are just to mention a few lessons. But back to the sad/funny part. I had to wake up my husband cause I was crying so bad at the end. It's just so sad and touching, and of course Jeannie had to die, and of course the movie had to end with Forrest telling little Forrest how much he loved him, oh, and that white little feather like a 'hello' from Heaven just stroke my heart. I almost never cried before while watching movies, even real sad ones. Why am I such a whinie now?! It must be either hormones or motherhood wracking my brain and shifting my heart-soul-feelings priorities, or simply motherhood turning me into a completely different person - a MOTHER.

   Anyways, life is so unfair still! It feels like God is taking many breaks at looking after us, since he is letting so many babies and kids to get sick or simply suffer with bad cruel parents. Ugh((( I am a very empathic person (maybe cause I am a cancer), thus the more experiences I go through, the heavier all the sad stories hang on my heart. Since I became a mother I feel all the pain of every mom suffering through something with her child. Even though the joy of motherhood is pretty contagious and rewarding too. Unfortunately, the bad usually outweighs the good, just cause it's usually heavier and so discouraging on us. 

   Even though I might sound silly, but why everyone in this world can't just be happy, healthy and loved? That would be so perfect, so inspiring, so easy. I dream that every child had a loving family, a good health and a nice place to live. If that all went perfect from the very beginning and every kid got what it takes to become a decent human being, we wouldn't face the harsh reality with maniacs, serial killers, drug dealers, rapers, criminals... Every bad person is a very unhappy child, I truly believe it. 

PS. My laptop has crashed today, so I use my husband's one now. Thus I am not sure when I will be able to type in Russian again. 

PS 2. I was walking downtown yesterday evening with Sawyer in a stroller. It's so beautiful there, Christmas lights lit everywhere, Christmas decorations reminding you about the upcoming holidays on every pole and in every window. But for some reason, aside from feeling excited and fascinated, I felt that I am sorry, Chicago, but I am so tired of you. Too much time wasted previously, too many memories buried earlier, too cold and too tiring. Even though it would be really inconsiderate to leave the only close relatives we have (Mike's mom and brothers + my uncle), but I wanna make this silly wish today - I want me, Mike and Sawyer meet the next year in a new place - warmer, sunnier and overall happier! Do you hear me, Santa??? I was such a good girl this year! :)